Why Top Gear Mark 2 is Guaranteed to Fail

Written on the eve of the launch of Top Gear Mk2 with Chris Evans and Matt le Blanc

I can categorically state that Top Gear Mark 2 will not be long lived – even before it has aired. It has little to do with the stars the BBC have picked, but everything to do with chemistry. You cannot create chemistry on or off screen. The Top Gear of the noughties was successful not because Andy Wilman and Jeremy Clarkson (lifelong friends since their schooldays at Repton) sat down and decided who to invite onto the show with them, it was because the three very different personalities of Clarkson, Hammond and May accepted their roles on the show, and loved working with one another.

On-Air Chemistry is no different to that found in the best relationships. When I presented the breakfast show on the newly launched Radio 5 several million years ago, I was teamed with a co-presenter who was significantly older than me. I had little in common with her interests or outlook on life. While our voices worked well on air, we were not compatible. We struggled on for 18 months but it was never easy – and the lack of empathy between us was palpable.

The BBC has never really understood talent and how to manage it. Having run my own agency for 20 years, I know the pleasures and the pitfalls of catering for very talented individuals. They don’t work the same as everyone else. Jonathan Ross and Clarkson himself are two examples of mismanagement. When you have such maverick personalities at work, they need to be understood and guided carefully. Ross’s demise at the BBC was down to the fact that no one challenged his ideas or thought he needed producing carefully. As a big enough personality he knew how to do it. The resulting fallout from Jonathan Ross’s departure has changed the BBC beyond all recognition. The requirement for compliance costs production companies who supply the BBC with programmes huge amounts and the fear within the corporation of getting things wrong or not being accountable has meant that even the smallest competitions on air are just not worth arranging. It is simpler to do without. My first breakfast show for the BBC in Oxford gave away a bar of breakfast soap every morning. No chance of doing that these days.

There is, of course, no accounting for how people will react in given situations, and there is nothing that I can say to defend Clarkson punching another member of the team for any reason, let alone something as trivial as the lack of a hot meal. However had they recognised that they weren’t dealing with just another member of the team, they might have realised that what was provided for everyone else might not do for this maverick and genius. There is a reason that Clarkson’s talents are in demand. There is a reason that he made the BBC’s Worldwide division millions of pounds every year and raked in a tidy sum from his columns for The Times and The Sun, which also proved highly profitable when reproduced in book form. The reason is that he’s unique. He’s just not like any other motoring journalist. His turn of phrase, his idioms and his similes amuse, entertain and inform in equal quantities. But the fact that he doesn’t write like anyone else should tell you everything you need to know about why he doesn’t work like anyone else.

Understanding how to manage talent is a specialised industry. There’s a reason that Talent Management and Agencies exist still in this day and age. It’s not hard to contact the rich and famous, or even infamous these days with a little research on the Net. The BBC would do well to invest some time and energy in understanding those that thrive on the very publicity that it creates for them in the first place. The possibility of losing another Clarkson or Ross is all too likely until the lessons are genuinely learned, and no amount of internal legislation or document box ticking will prevent it until they do so.

ANYONE FOR TENNIS? I SAID......

As a Tottenham supporter, the recent spate of refereeing howlers has all too loud a resonance. I’m not really a football supporter. If I have a choice it is rugby. Unlike Football, Rugby is a game where one single individual rarely has undue influence over the result. Rugby is a true team game and one that requires its players to trust that the player to the left or right of them will do their job and be where they are supposed to be on the pitch. Rugby fans and players will know that the option of seeing a TV replay and using a fourth official has been used for many years. For all the years of experience and understanding of the game that senior officials possess, human beings are frail when it comes to making split second decisions. If those decisions are in pressurised sporting cauldrons, the possibility of getting a 50/50 decision wrong is even greater.

3 years ago, I decided that getting a ticket to the Olympics was going to be an impossibility. I was never going to run, throw, jump, pull or push something fast, long or high enough to be invited to participate. My cunning plan was not to compete but perhaps I could officiate? I had played tennis, understood the rules and liked the uniforms the officials were given at Wimbledon so tried my luck with the LTA. They run courses twice a year to seek suitable individuals to become line judges, a few of whom will progress after considerable dedication and time to becoming International Umpires. I was happy to consider watching for chalk dust or foot faults as the highest level to which I might aspire, but who knew? Perhaps if I was good enough I could climb the ladder to the barley water pedestal in the sky and be sworn at by one of the stars of the game one day?

I was accepted onto a sampler course at the new LTA HQ in Roehampton. I was mildly perturbed that I wouldn’t be in a fit state to adjudicate as I had had laser surgery on my eyes just weeks before, and the prospect of the work being undone if a high speed serve came in my direction was preying on my mind. We were taught the hand signals that all line judges make – yes it’s not just shouting “FAULT” very loudly – they all make hand signals to show the umpire where the error was or even if there was no error. Watch more closely next time! And we were judged on our decision making abilities and then told if we had passed the assessment day and were invited to come on the proper selection day.

Sadly i was not considered suitable material for a line judge. Apparently, my biggest problem was that I didn’t shout “FAULT” loudly enough. Any friends reading this will have instantly sniggered, as they know very well that when sitting with me in a restaurant, I usually get told to lower my voice to avoid annoying the table 20 feet away. In one famous instance, when  travelling from London to Edinburgh on the sleeper train, I was reading a bedtime book aloud  to my beloved when a hammering came from the compartment next to ours and the occupant yelled “Turn that bloody radio down!”

While the elite club (and it was clear that the LTA volunteers who teach the course ensure that it is elite, selecting only those people they "like") remains out of reach, the course revealed to me that refereeing sporting events is not for the faint hearted.  Making split second decisions isn’t easy. When it comes to the umpire, linesman or referee, you'll need an iron constitution and a core of self righteous infallability if you are to make it to the top. So before you yell at the man of doubtful parentage dressed in the dark outfit, why not try giving it a go yourself? To paraphrase the great book: Remove the tennis ball from your eye before removing the football from his.

MOTHER 1.0

The Christmas adverts are full of maternal hardship and slavery.  Father Christmas is sooo last century - Christmas does not happen without a Mother apparently, so I thought I would add my own contribution to what has now become Mothers Day Part 2 - "This Time it's Festive..." I wrote this for a lovely friend of mine who was confronted by her son...one of twins....

Dear Twin 2.0

It has come to our attention that you have been a long time user of Mother 1.0. As you may well know, Mother 1.0 is not an upgradeable application – due to the large processing requirement placed on the Motherboard - however we do recommend that other applications are used alongside Mother 1.0 to enhance its capabilities. Mother 1.0 is possibly one of the most robust applications to ever have been produced by Parent Corps, and since it is now regularly required to operate without Dad 8.6, has become self-sufficient and extremely stable.

If you have not yet installed Washing Up 3.7 or Tidy My Room 4.2 then you may find that Mother 1.0 runs far more efficiently if you do so. Customers who installed these apps also purchased Walk the Dog 1.2 and Make the Bed 9.1, although it should be noted that if Mother 1.0 has been fitted with Freshly Washed Kitchen Floor 1.7, then this can be incompatible with Walk the Dog 1.2, especially if returning directly via Home Page, as Home Page can run Muddy Dog 4.0 and Puddle 2.1 without warning.

If Mother 1.0 has been functioning happily without the presence of Dad 8.6, it should be noted that you can now share information with New Male Friend 4.5 as the two are directly compatible. This may require the installation of Extra Make Up 1.1 and Dress for Dinner 5.0. While this can improve the smooth running of Mother 1.0, it can sometimes result in your subscription no longer running routine operations such as Meals 3.1 or Ironing 3.2. In these cases you may find it very useful to create a full scale back up via Girlfriend 1.0 or as an extra safety measure installing Washing Machine Operator 10.5.

Thank for using Mother 1.0 and we hope that you have many happy years of service.

Sincerely

Parent Corps.

IT'S ALL GONE A BIT SIRI....

So the news is out that I am the UK voice of Siri. Did Apple silence me? Do I have revenge on my mind? Let me try and set out the facts: 

Apple didn't silence me - although they did call me and tell me that as an Apple employee I wasn't supposed to talk about my work. When I explained that I wasn't an Apple employee and I had no contract with them or received any money from them, they seemed rather perplexed. They said they would get back to me once they had made further consultations. That was in the middle of October and they never contacted me again. Had they done so - I was perfectly prepared to listen. So they didn't silence me, they just weren’t very clever in their  approach, but then they tend to do their PR with a sledgehammer. During the conversation, I was told that the company was “not about one person”. Given that the media was full of articles about the “one person” that completely represented Apple, and his death just a few weeks earlier, the girl in the PR department had obviously failed to do her homework!

In truth, I was delighted to discover that I was the UK voice of Siri. I learned by seeing the BBC’s technology correspondent, Rory Cellan-Jones, giving his preview of the machine on air and thought “I recognise that voice”. So I’m very chuffed that  I’ve been included in the various identities that Siri has been given.

The Scansoft system is a very good one. The problem with English is that the pronunciation of words is not consistent. So if I say “ My latest project is to learn how to project my voice” you can immediately see and hear the difficulties facing a piece of software. Siri contends with that very well and is the closest thing to natural human speech that you can get. Scansoft and Nuance did a great job.

Many people had made the connection between my voice and Siri already – which was why it was a bit odd to get Apple’s phone call. Was I supposed to pretend it wasn’t me? I’m a pretty well known voice in the UK. The Weakest Link pulls in 2-3 million viewers on a weekday and as the voice of BBC Radio 2, around 8 or 9 million people heard me every day – so for most of the last ten years we reckon I’ve had an audience of some 13 million people on a weekly basis. I wasn’t hard to spot! As my brother works for the Telegraph as a sports journalist – the word got around.

I hasten to add that I haven’t come out to wave two fingers at Apple – far from it – I’m really pleased  that my voice, and the text to speech system that I have contributed to, is regarded as good enough for a company that prides itself in creating brilliant technology. I love Apple’s products and have championed them since the early 80’s when anyone who used an Apple was generally looked at with raised eyebrows. “Oh you’re one of those…” they would insinuate! I still own a Macintosh SE which sits on my landing as a reminder of how technology progresses. I do all my audio work in my own studio on two Apple iMacs using Pro Tools.  I absolutely believe that the original  iPhone changed the face of the mobile industry and Siri will be the next game changer – and I love fact that it has a sense of humour.

I have worked as a broadcast journalist since the early 1980’s. One of the stranger facts is that aged 19 I joined BBC Radio 4 as a reporter for the BBC’s first foray into Information Technology, on a programme called “The Chip Shop” presented by Barry Norman. It was a brave move, given that our main method of communication with computers is visual. We spent a lot of time looking for PC’s that made sound. It’s ironic that it’s come full circle and that instead of reporting on it, I’ve ended up as the voice of the technology almost 30 years later.

It’s true that I didn’t receive any money from Apple. I signed away those rights when I did the original recordings for Scansoft – but I got well paid for those. To be honest, my voice is a gift that I haven’t had to study for or work hard for as many others have to do for their work, and if it is seen by others as being suitable to become part of their everyday life, I am thrilled. It gives something back for the benefits that I have received over the last 25 years for something I was naturally blessed with. In some ways while  I love being in people’s pockets,  I am more proud of the fact that this system allows people who have impaired vision, or who are restricted in their communication skills, to use technology and communicate with friends and family just as easily as I can every day. If my legacy is simply that, to be involved so personally in something so vital to everyday life, I shall be a very happy person.

TRULY MADLY DEEPLY CUT

As the BBC Cuts begin to sink in, so the anger rises amongst those who appreciate what the organisation does on a daily basis. At £145.50 a year it rates as one of the most amazing value for money deals in the UK. Paid in one go – it can of course be a large sum to lose from your monthly income, but until someone breaks down the figures, you cannot see why it’s such superb value.

Radio, that’s the 5 National analogue channels and the 5 digital channels, BBC World Service and BBC Local Radio,  the vital training ground and news generation service that feeds National newsrooms –consisting of 8 regional stations and 40 local stations, costs £2.11 per household per month. That’s £2.11!That’s not even per individual – but per household. So if there are 4 of you in the house that’s just 52p per person or £6.33 a year. I don’t know anything else you can buy for £6.33 that lasts all year. Even that all-consuming monster Television only costs each household £7.96 per month. It’s criminal even complaining about it.

Even more criminal is freezing the BBC’s licence fee until 2017. In current economic conditions, that represents a major reduction in funding, as fuel and energy costs rise even if salaries don’t. The fact that politicians demand it, yet will happily spend billions on troops and missiles in countries and on wars that we can never win, is absurd. The BBC World Service was just as vital in educating the population of Kabul as British troops were, but the freeze will threaten and reduce its output significantly. World Service will soon be funded from the Licence fee, previously paid for by the UK’s Foreign and Commonwealth Office. Almost every other BBC Service is sustaining cuts as a result.

And to those people who claim it’s another tax that they don’t have a choice in paying? Try taking your shopping basket to the supermarket checkout, and asking for £10 off your bill because you don’t watch ITV. Ask the car dealership for £500 off your new executive saloon, because you always switch channels when the adverts come on. ITV, Channel 5 and every other commercial TV channel costs you significantly more than £8 a month, every time you go shopping.

The cuts need politicians to be visionary and BBC Management to stand their ground and shout about the restrictions that the world’s leading broadcaster is about to find itself facing. Watch this space though; I suspect that the level of coverage of politician’s activities will begin to contract during Party conferences and via BBC parliament. The only thing that might make Westminster’s members understand the short-sightedness of the funding cuts, is the withdrawal of their own publicity by the organisation that provides them with a mouthpiece.

LOCAL RADIO FOR NETWORK PEOPLE

The headlines are already screaming and enraged of Taunton has fired the first riposte. Like the most loathsome playground bully, BBC Management has decided to put the boot into the poor kid and see if they cry. 


Amid the flurry of knee jerk reactions that have emanated from the sixth floor of Television Centre,  since the licence fee was frozen for six years last October, has come the suggestion that BBC Local Radio could be reduced to producing its own breakfast and drivetime shows, and would retransmit Radio 5Live during the rest of the day. In a classic BBC bloomer, this is apparently merely a suggestion, made when staff were asked for ideas on how to save money. A BBC spokeswoman then added: "No decisions have been made so it would be wrong to speculate." Someone should have gone to Speculation-Savers.

Conjecture or not, the BBC would do well to prepare itself for an onslaught of protestations, the type of which met the potential closures of 6Music and the Asian Network, (also speculative) both of which have not only earned a reprieve, but have seen audiences rise since their proposed deletion.


It’s clear that someone has been eyeing up trends in Independent Local Radio. Last year Heart’s owners, Global Radio, reduced their 33 stations to 18 losing around 200 broadcast staff in the process. The remaining stations now create their own breakfast and drivetime output, but rebroadcast shows from London during the rest of the day with presenters such as Toby Anstis, Simon Beale and Emma Bunton (former Spice Girl).


So case closed and no further speculation needed – sorry I mean suggestions. However there’s an enormous elephantine difference in play here. BBC Local Radio generates news stories and output as well as providing an excellent training ground for staff. ILR has no responsibility to feed other parts of their network – all they need to do is keep the needle moving and haul in the advertisers. The forty stations that make up BBC Local Radio function on the lowest level of funding, yet are the most valuable asset that the Corporation has.


As usual Auntie has looked at the balance sheet and done the calculation on the back of a beer mat. Local Radio costs around £105 million per annum to run – and 5Live a mere £72 million. Simples! But BBC newsrooms up and down the country generate hundreds of stories every week that feed the national networks. They train and educate hundreds of staff. Ask any of the current on-air personalities from Network Radio and you’ll find they cut their teeth behind their local microphones.


So here’s the plan Mr Thompson. Halve the number of stations to 25, but fund those that remain properly and make them capable of giving decent coverage to the areas they represent. That means adding at least 10 more news staff to each station – and training them in TV and Radio.  Invest in your assets so that every person on that station can broadcast at Network level and standards. In this way, the next time that BBC Breakfast or the Today programme need a story covered from on-site, the local reporter on the ground is fully capable of delivering. No need to send the truck out and fund transport and overnights for Huw Edwards or Justin Webb to speak from the scene – which makes little difference to the consumer anyhow. Get the reporter who knows the area to bring you the facts. It pays for itself. As you’ve always known – you have to speculate to accumulate – and that is the sort of speculation the BBC should be indulging in right now.

HOW TO "GOB IN YOUR SLIPPERS"

For those not initiated into the world of Voice Overs for ILR (Independent Local Radio) - may I spend a moment inducting you into its hallways - or more likely inducting you into a small booth about 3 foot by 3 foot, or even more likely the cupboard under the stairs.

The voices you hear on adverts played on local radio have, 9 times out of 10, recorded them in their own studios, on their own kit and can then send the audio files to the production house - or use ISDN lines (studio quality telephone lines) to speak direct to the production studio and are recorded and directed down the line. Since they don't have to leave the house, and the vernacular for a bit of voicework is "gobbing" - it has been christened "Gobbing in your slippers"

It can be a strange and lonely occupation - so if you have the time to befriend one of these solitary beings - then please do so, as you would be helping to initiate their return  to society.They are easily identifiable as they tend to blink a lot when they come out into the light.

If you are worried that you may indeed be one of the aformentioned personnel, then here are some identifying signs.You know you’re an ILR VO when:

1. You take your mobile to the bathroom in case you miss a script.

2. You’ve never actually met your best mate at work.

3. You check the ambience and suitability for installing a booth when you visit other people’s homes.
4. You find yourself reviewing your work in The Wild Bean Café in BP petrol stations.
5. You know what ISDN stands for.
6. You take your mobile to the gym in case you miss a script.
7. You have an App that turns your iPhone into a mini recording studio if you step out of the house.
8. You get confused about why people are “framed” for crimes. Framing is good no?
9. Your bedtime reading is the Pro Tools 9 manual.

10. Your daytime reading is the Canford catalogue.
11. You don’t mind if someone says you’re a bit “bottomy”.
12. You take your mobile to bed in case you miss a script.
13. You can sing all the jingles from the VW dealership in Scunthorpe.
14. You don’t snigger when someone asks you to bounce a WAV file.
15. You’ve actually heard of Snozzle FM and know where it broadcasts.

 

Bless you for being there in that cupboard, wreathed in cheap duvets from IKEA.